How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb???

Rottweiler: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Australian Shepherd: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Jack Russell Terrier: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Bulldog: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

Pomeranians: don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.

Pug: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Afghan: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

Standard Poodle: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out. Then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

~ Author Unknown ~

How to Photograph Your Puppy

• Remove film from box and load camera.

• Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.

• Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

• Choose a suitable background for photo.

• Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.

• Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

• Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

• Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

• Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.

• Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

• Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

• Put magazines back on coffee table.

• Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

• Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

• Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"

• Call spouse to help clean up the mess.

• Fix a drink.

• Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

~ Author Unknown ~

The 10 Commandments According to Fido, our god

1.Thou shalt have no other Dogs before me.
2.Thou shalt not chew thy furniture into a graven image.
3.Thou shalt not call my name in vain unless thou hast a T*R*E*A*T for me.
4.Remember thy daily Walks, and keep them holy.
5.Obey thy GoodMom and thy GoodDad, even unto tutoring.
6.Sit!
7.Stay!
8.Leave it!
9.When thy neighbor barkest, so too shalt thou bark.
10.Thou shalt not covet thy pack-mate's T*R*E*A*T*S.

(Chewish doggies would go around and spread the word of Dog by woofing it all night. This was called the Bark of the Covenant, and the dogs that did the woofing would woof until they foamed at the mouth, so they were called Rabies.)

~ Author Unknown ~

Proposed Dog Breeds:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso , a dog that folds up for easy traNsPort
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a Dog that throws up a lot
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore , a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
(NOTE: If you cross a Maltese with any other breed, it's a Maltese Cross)

~ Author Unknown ~

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95, 98, Millennium, 2000 or Xp.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *

( * 1. Too Doggone Hard To Type With Paws. )

~ Author Unknown ~

Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog
As presented on the July 8, 1994 (7/8/94) broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Doggy door on oval office

9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

5. Public enemy #1: That neutering sucker Bob Barker

4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)

1. One word: sausage-gate

~ Author Unknown ~

You know you're a dog person when...

1. You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.

2. You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.

3. You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.

4. Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")

5. 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).

6. You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.

7. No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.

8. You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)

9. You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.

10. Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.

11. The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.

12. You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.

13. All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.

14. The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"

15. Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).

    ~ Author Unknown ~

    ---

    Does Your Dog Own You?
    See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

• You believe every dog is a lap dog.
• If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
• You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
• You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
• You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
• You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
• No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
• You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
• You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
• You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
• You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
• You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
• Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
• When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
• You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
• You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
• Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

~ Author Unknown ~

Seeing Eye Dog Joke

This blind guy, wearing dark glasses, a trench coat and using a walking cane, goes into a video store with his German shepherd seeing eye dog. The blind guy proceeds to walk around for a few minutes then picks his dog up by the tail and swirls him around in circles above his head, The clerk notices this alarming sight and says "Hey Mac!!! What the heck are you doing??!!!" The blind guy replies back...."just looking around"

~ Author Unknown ~

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room

8. Ice floating in toilet water

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant

5. You can never find the leftovers

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"

1. Your apartment keys no longer work

~ Author Unknown ~

David Letterman's Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Veterinarian

10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"

9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.

8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!

7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.

6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."

5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."

4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"

3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.

2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.

1. He bites!

~ Author Unknown ~

"Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs"
As presented on the 7/18/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat

9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney

8. New sniffing competition

7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head

6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges

5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick

4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat

3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers

2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet

1. Points taken off for mange

~ Author Unknown ~

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
   

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
   

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
   

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
   

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
   

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
   

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
   

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
   

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
   

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
    

~ Author Unknown ~

10 RULES FOR PAMPERED PETS

1. Don't accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday.........
   Everyone knows that veterinarians do their best work early in the week. And no pampered pet wants their eye job or tummy tuck done by someone who is tired and cranky.

2. Keep your leash on........
   Never let your human pressure you into removing your leash until you are good and ready.

3. If it itches, don't scratch it........
   Especially avoid scratching at the opera, in a limo and while accepting your Oscar.

4. No matter how desperate you are, don't beg........
   Instead, go for the direct approach -- a cold nose against any warm part of the human anatomy usually gets immediate attention.

5. Don't allow yourself to be dressed up.........
   Once you pose in clothes, it will come back to haunt you for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to hold your head up as you walk into a room full of your peers.

6. Stare at people until they back off........
   A stare is a simple, straightforward way of letting your person know that you know who's in charge here --- you, of course.

7. Don't expect a human to change........
   Due to their inferior brain capacity, humans are only capable of changing three things --- their minds, their underwear, and lanes on the freeway.

8. No heavy petting........
   Heavy petting increases your chances of Canine Pattern Baldness, not to mention the fact that once you let a person pet you, he or she will always want more, more, more!

9. Remain aloof........
   Fake it if you have to.

10. If your person attempts to suggest that you.......
    do certain things, such as "Hop in the pet carrier," it is up to you to remind them who actually wears the collar in your household.

FOLLOW THIS 12-STEP PROGRAM:

• Step 1. Get them to admit they have a problem.

• Step 2. Get them to apologize to you.

• Step 3. Get them to bring you gifts.

• Steps 4-12. Repeat Steps 2-3.

~ Author Unknown ~

All I Really Need to Know I Learned from my Dog

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

• Take naps and stretch before rising.

• Run, romp, and play daily.

• Be loyal.

• Never pretend to be something you're not.

• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

• Thrive on affection and let people touch you - enjoy back rubs and pats on your neck.

• When you leave your yard, make it an adventure.

• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.

• Bond with your pack.

• On cold nights, curl up in front of a crackling fire.

• When you're excited, speak up.

• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

~ Author Unknown ~

Beware of Dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

~ Author Unknown ~